COLRGUARD HUMOR

From guard sites around the web which are all linked on my links page

THE *HIT* point system

On the field, if you hit...
Another flag = 0 points.

A flute = 10 points.

A clarinet = 10 points.

A saxophone = 15 points.

A trumpet = 20 points.

A trombone = 25 points.

A baritone = 35 points.

A sousaphone = 50 points.

A drummer = 55 points.

A drum major = 65 points.

The band director...Run!

Top 10 reasons to date a guard member

10. We know how to keep people in line
9. We continuously work on our technique
8. We adore wearing tight clothing
7. We do it on football fields and gym floors
6. We're used to poles of all sizes
5. We strive for the perfect performance
4. We work well with our hands
3. We're very flexible
2. We always want to be on top

And the #1 reason to date a guard member...

1. We love making people scream and yell!

Why Flags Are Better Than Men...




It would never leave you for another girl, unless you were doing an exchange.

If you get mad at it you can throw it around.

After the season is over you can only spin it once in a while, but it never complains.

You can change silks a lot easier than you can change how a guy dresses.

Size does matter and if you don't like it, you can use a different one.

Guard Peeps New Years Resolutions

120 ways to tell your in guard

  • You spin anything you can get your hands on.
  • You spin pens.
  • You spin brooms/mops/etc.
  • You spin broken parts of chairs.
  • You go to attention when someone claps at you in the hallways.
  • Five hours of practice is a blessing.
  • There are all sorts of marks on the ceiling of your room from your equipment.
  • Your light fixture in your room is permanently broken.
  • You've replaced more light bulbs in your room than you can count.
  • Every song you hear, you write guard work to.
  • All your favorite songs have this one part that would be "perfect for a rifle feature."
  • Your hands are permanently black and blue.
  • You have had more injuries than you'd like to remember...or that you can remember.
  • You dance down the hallways at school.
  • You dance around your house.
  • All the work your instructor writes, you've done before...they start recycling your work from other shows.
  • You can't watch someone else spin next to you without spinning yourself.
  • You protect your weapons like they are your children.
  • You name your equipment.
  • You name your drill spots.
  • As soon as you step onto a football field, you put your head up and smile at the bleachers, whether or not anyone is there.
  • You can't name all the shows you've done.
  • You can't remember the work from the last show you did.
  • The phrase, "free time" has lost all meaning to you.
  • The band room is your second home.
  • You leave a pillow and blanket in the guard room, just in case.
  • You have a closet full of old guard uniforms, whether you wore them or not.
  • You have a drawer full of guard tee-shirts.
  • Flannel pants are you favorite piece of clothing.
  • All your guard gloves have holes in the palms.
  • You don't go one day without spinning.
  • Doing only 200 drop spins at practice is a blessing.
  • You've run more laps than the track team.
  • You've done more push-ups than the football team.
  • You practice more than the cheerleaders (and still get no credit for it)
  • You're proud to be called a band fag.
  • You've slept in the band room.
  • You've gotten undressed in the band room.
  • Your principal has seen you without pants on.
  • The entire band has seen you without pants on.
  • You'd be at practice, even if you have pneumonia. And you'd be smiling.
  • When people on TV march, you cringe if they're out of step.
  • You've been called a lesbian more than times than you can count.
  • You have 7 different kinds of ace bandages, and you have 8 sizes of each kind.
  • You know where everything is in the first aid kit.
  • You have your own set of keys to the band room.
  • You know that "one more time" never means one more time.
  • After practice, you hang out in the band room to chat with your fellow guard members.
  • You've spent more than 80 hours with the same people in one sitting.
  • You've seen 3 in the morning.
  • When you get home at 1 a.m., you are ecstatic.
  • The waiters at the local diner know you by name.
  • You've never been in the diner with less than 8 people.
  • Your personal motto is "Guard is Life."
  • After high school, you march in college, drum corps, winter guard...etc.
  • You know how to get any kind of stain out of your uniform.
  • Skin tight spandex doesn't faze you anymore.
  • You go out in public wearing practice clothes, and wonder why people look at you funny.
  • On your lunch break, when you go to get food, you don't bother to put on your shoes. And again, you wonder why people look at you funny.
  • You've performed at 8 pep rallies, although you've never been a part of one.
  • At the pep rallies, you and your friends are the only ones to cheer for the fencing team.
  • You sing songs you've performed to every day of your life.
  • Ballroom dancing amazes you.
  • Anyone who can throw a piece of wood with a strap 100 feet in the air and catch it becomes your idol.
  • When 98% of the guys you know are gay.
  • You've dated/had a crush on a drummer.
  • You've dated/had a crush on a trumpet player.
  • You have so many inside jokes with members of your guard, that you laugh at almost anything that anyone says, because you have a joke about it. (And yet again, you wonder why people look at you funny.)
  • You and your friends repeat the same phrases over and over.
  • When one member gets sick, you all get sick.
  • You all get your period at the same time.
  • You remember jokes from years before you actually joined guard.
  • You refuse to graduate.
  • You could make one of these lists with little to no effort.
  • You have a permanent sock tan.
  • Your hair is 8 different colors.
  • Your nails don't come past the ends of your fingers.
  • Your toenails have been painted for as long as you can remember. (Because you're barefoot so much.)
  • A half-hour lunch break is considered long.
  • You start finishing sentences for fellow guard members.
  • You're not a hooker, but your knees are so bruised, they look like you could be.
  • You and the band members get into fights over who's colder on retreat...and YOU win.
  • When you go out to diners in your uniform after a show, you wonder why the waiter looks at you funny.
  • When you go out to diners with 30 pounds of glitter in your hair, you wonder why there's glitter in your food.
  • You own at least 1 Broadway soundtrack, and could probably write a show to one or more songs on that soundtrack.
  • When you learn to yell back at the football team.
  • When you hear so much about people from drum corps, other color guards, etc., you feel like you know them, but have never actually held a conversation with them.
  • You date a member of another marching band.
  • You go to competitions for the sole purpose of finding a date from another marching band.
  • You get disappointed that all the guys you want to date from other marching bands are gay/have a girlfriend from yet another marching band.
  • When you scream at the gym teachers "Color guard is a sport!!!", and they agree with you, thereby letting you sit out from running the mile.
  • Your parents lock up all the brooms/pool cues/umbrellas/etc.
  • You can do your hair and make-up anywhere.
  • You can change into your uniform anywhere.
  • You find yourself designing flags/uniforms/drill in your classes.
  • You laugh like everyone else on your guard.
  • You use two hands to tell your left from your right.
  • You know how many people can be crammed into a minivan.
  • You spend more time in the band hall than in your house
  • Your guard has developed its own language.
  • You went to every school football game but never paid for one.
  • You can arm wrestle anyone and win.
  • When you get teary-eyed when you have to put your rifle down so you can eat dinner.
  • When you spend all your free time looking for guard-related websites.
  • When people ask about bruises you didn't even notice you had
  • When you look for guards in commercials and movies (in Never Been Kissed, they show a guard. When her car is in the football field!)
  • When you insist that your crutches will not affect your marching ability, and what do you mean I can't spin with broken arms?!
  • When you catch yourself switching feet to get back on-step with the background music in the mall
  • When you can never be fashionably late, cause you show up for everything at least 15 minutes early
  • When vending machine food becomes gourmet.
  • When you choose a college based on the guard programs nearby
  • When you use guard tape to fix everything
  • When five more minutes, Dad, turns into a midnight practice
  • When you have seen the same WGI or DCI tape a thousand times and still enjoy it
  • When you love the black stain from new gloves
  • You take over guys bathroom when the girls bathroom is full
  • When you love the black stain from new gloves
  • You ride around in a school bus more than in your car
  • You say the pledge of allegiance to YOUR flag
  • While your non-guard friend sleep with teddy bears and other various stuffed animals, you sleep with your flag, rifle, and/or saber (and see nothing unhealthy about it, thank you)